Coming to San Francisco forced me to come face to face with many things, including learning to take care of myself, meeting new people, to continue to carry on despite being burned out… and mostly this:
I HAVE A PROBLEM.
A problem with insecurities and inner demons.
“City of stars
Just one thing everybody wants
There in the bars
And through the smokescreen of the crowded restaurants
Yes, all we’re looking for is love from someone else
Tonight was the first calm night I’ve had in ages, after coming back home with J from Top of the Mark in Nob Hill. From Fun & Cheap SF, I found out that there’s a movie night showing La La Land and a complimentary tasting at what’s known as one of the finest rooftop bars in SF.
La La Land.
That movie brings back a very specific memory that allowed me to recognize inner demons and a lesson I learned while looking back in hindsight. I realized, I’ve made this ‘mistake’ over and over again in all aspects of my life and stems from caring too much about how others (especially the people closest to me) think of me.
For all my life, I worried.
I worried that people would leave me if they only knew how crazy I was. How silly I was. How poorly I did in school the first ever semester I entered university. How much baggage I carried from past relationships. How my temper likes to flare up. How I looked when I didn’t have any make up on.
So what did I do?
I worried. I got anxious. Then I would do everything in my power to push people away by warning them about all these things that I think are the ugliest sides of me.
So watching La La Land, brought me back to my last romantic relationship. When I did just that. Every chance I had, I brought up the past and ugly things about myself that were things I thought of myself. These ugly opinions of myself, that I had established. I wanted to put it all out there, so that person would leave me sooner, so I could protect myself.
Were those opinions true?
What did it show?
Just how insecure I was and how much I didn’t love myself. If I did, why did I have such a terrible opinion of myself? Why was I my biggest critic instead of supporter?
In the end, this person left because he believed me. Because of the self-fulfilling prophecy that I established. I didn’t believe I was worth it. And so, I wasn’t.
For the past several weeks, I got a job at an awesome company (YAY! I cannot reveal it yet, but I am so happy that I was able to make it this far).
Then when I got the job, instead of celebrating I worried for days about a mistake I had made 5 years ago, that I had never told anyone about because I was embarrassed that it was a big deal. Turns out when I finally exploded from anxiety and told one of my close friends about it two weeks ago, they didn’t think it was a big deal at all. Not even the company.
I had for some reason thought it was a big deal and worried about it for years and wasted a whole lot of sleep and brain power too.
If only I was able to let it go and see things with an objective mind, I wouldn’t have been so hard on myself.
So, what’s the lesson here?
Sometimes, what you think is a big deal, isn’t a big deal at all. It’s all just your own perception of it… which is not always the truth. Somethings you think are ugly sides of you, don’t matter to others.
Be positive, so positive things can happen to you! You attract the energy that you put out.
Am I there yet?
Nope, not at all.
But accepting the truth and being self-aware is the first step.
There’s a reason why I bolded that one line in the lyrics above. In La La Land’s City of Stars, Mia sings about looking for love from someone else. It’s hard to, unless we can love ourselves first, especially in the darkest moments of our lives. When we stop self-criticizing and making assumptions, that will be the ultimate step towards truly loving ourselves.
At this point in my journey, I need to be my biggest supporter and lover, because I can’t let this self-fulfilling prophecy win again and lose the very thing I’ve worked hard to earn.
Do you have the same problem that I have? How has it affected you?